SALVATION FOR THE SPARSE

Medical innovation eliminates the fuzz-stache

Bog

Oh, you've seen it before. Trust me. It lurks in the hallways of America's high schools, packs the aisles of mall sporting goods stores, and runs especially rampant at video arcades, porno and otherwise. It's a mustache in name only: the Fuzz-Stache.

The men behind this embarrassing excuse for an upper lip are a varied bunch. United only by their suffering, they've all aimed for the dizzying heights of handlebar lushness, only to find their hopes dashed on the rocks of an insufficient follicle count. Teenage gangsters, minimart clerks, and aspiring porn stars rank among those notorious for their pathetic attempts to transform eight scraggly hairs into a thigh-tickler worth riding.

Often overshadowed by the more showy fuzz-stache are the men whose upper lips remain hairless by destiny rather than inclination. They're the quiet ones, the adults who've put away their youthful hopes for a masculinity writ large upon the face for all comers to see. Long silenced by unkind jeers and facial hair fatalism, these dreamers can now use new strides in medical technology to seize the rudders of their destinies and unleash the stache within.

ACHIEVING UNNATURAL DENSITY

"There are a lot of men who would like to sport a beard or mustache, but certain areas don't fill in," says Dr. Robert Niedbalski, D.O., founder of the Mid-Michigan Hair Replacement Center (MMHRC) in Lansing, Michigan. Luckily, the best and brightest of American's cosmetic surgeons are working quickly to satisfy urgent consumer demand with up-to-the-minute surgical techniques.

Special location micrograft transplants first popped on the scene in 1939, when a Japanese dermatologist by the name of Dr. Okuda published his method for using transplants to correct mustache, scalp and eyebrow sparsity. Largely overlooked by Western surgeons until after World War II, the procedure has since been adopted by the scores of doctors catering to the American obsession with personal appearance.

In this procedure, your hair surgeon removes real growing hairs from a donor site (usually the back of the head) and strategically plants them amidst upper-lip peach fuzz, adding what the industry terms "density" to a stache scantily-endowed by Mother Nature. It takes the transplanted hairs three to five months after surgery to grow in, so it's not a procedure for impatient facial-hair fans, who would be better left to traditional methods of augmentation like false mustaches or liberal mascara application.

For the best post-surgery outcome, a gradual course of two or three treatments is recommended. However, it is possible to engage in the riskier operation of "dense-packing," where as many hairs as possible are stuffed into the upper lip in a one-time session. Morehair, a self-described "hair-related information service and marketing company", notes that the man who bides his time and engages in the full series can be rewarded with a "thin, but finished look" in between procedures, thus eliminating that embarrassing "under construction" phase. This technique also works well with scar tissue, allowing patients to substitute one identifying mark with another, an added bonus for felons on the lam and participants in the Federal Witness Protection Program.

"These procedures are definitely emerging as a hot area of interest in the hair restoration field," comments Niedbalski.

CRUST AND CASH: PROCEDURAL PITFALLS

But mustache transplants aren't a trouble-free cakewalk to Selleck stud status. Morehair's literature refers ominously to the "unnatural appearance" of post-surgical micrograft procedures, noting that "bandages, crusts from dried blood, and sometimes visible wounds with sutures can affect the patient's appearance..." And the usual method of transplantation, known as "slitting," can result in tissue compression around the new hairs, causing them "to grow together like a bunch of flowers." Morehair reluctantly concedes that "upon very close inspection, this can appear unnatural." And we wouldn't want to appear anything less than the genuine article when tempting the ladies with a 50-cent roller-coaster ride, now, would we?

Immediate aesthetics aside, these procedures aren't usually covered by health plans. At first blush, the minimum price tag of $1000 marks stache transplants as an elitist luxury, far out of the average red-blooded American's financial reach. But once again the American medical establishment comes through for the American consumer, devising innovative ways to fund our love affair with the mustache. Thank God for the free-market economy.

The slickly-produced website of Bosley Medical, a nationwide franchise of hair-replacement treatment, offers numerous opportunities to take advantage of the Bosley Value Incentive Pricing (VIP) Program. This boon for impoverished bald-faced hopefuls promises "substantial savings on...Hair Transplantation procedures" ranging from micrograft transplants to a slew of surgical and topical baldness cures. Thanks to the magic of financing, it's possible to get your dream Fu-Manchu now, and pay for it later.

Dr. Niedbalki offers this commentary on the fees at his Lansing, Michigan-based practice: "I think people are surprised at how affordable this process is. We are very reasonable, especially when compared with neighboring markets such as Detroit and Chicago, where you can pay up to two to three times more for exactly the same service as here in Mid-Michigan." In that light, Lansing seems as sensible a destination for the cost-conscious mustache-seeker as Reno was in past decades for would-be divorces. But what else does the future hold in mustache technology?

MILLENIAL MUSTACHE

"Sometime in the future...we will be able to clone our own hair follicles," predicts master dermatologist Peter Panagotacos. Proud of his surgical artistry, and hair transplant credentials, this is a man who has dedicated his entire professional life to placing hair where none exists. Counting among his career highlights revolutionary hair technology trailblazing -- the San Francisco-based doctor started testing his custom-blended Minoxidil formulations on himself as early as 1979 -- Panagotacos is clearly a visionary.

"With cloning we could create an unlimited supply of 'permanent' hairs..." he continues. "Eventually we will be able to grow entire follicles from a few cells cultured in a test tube."

You don't need a medical degree to know what that means for your mustache.

"This will allow an unlimited supply of thick growing hair for everyone," concludes Panagotacos on a populist note. The ramifications are undeniably exciting.