Hello! And welcome to the First Week of Mustache Summer.  This is a very special time.  You can feel the pomp and majesty of the First Week all around.  This is the first official "Cookie Duster"* installment of Mustache Summer 1999. For those of you who saw my exhibition column during the off-season, bear with me for a second.  I need to plagiarize myself for disclamatory purposes:

"This column is not even going to try to explain the majesty of Mustache Summer. Easier to explain the wind, or the upstream journey of the mighty salmon.  Nor is it going to increase the world’s knowledge of the enigmatic mustache, its origins, or its meanings.  That field has already been well explained, and by better scientists than I.

No, this column is going to be the musings of an amateur mustache farmer, tending his crop like the rest of you Joes.  I do promise to try and focus on one topic a week, but sometimes the juices get a-flowin’ and I lose my textual traction."

So there you have it.  Now we can get busy cuttin’ Mustachial Capers.

I was all a-flutter about when to actually start growing this year’s Mustache.  Do you start growing on June 21, since it's the First Day of Mustache Summer?  For some of us, this means that the effects of not shaving the upper lip will not become obvious until ‘round about the middle of August.  So, I gave the Duster a head start by lettin’ loose on May 30, my birthday.  In my mind, Mustache Summer is about celebrating the little critters more than it is about racing to grow one.  So I figured I'd try to have one by this time.

Now, back at the beginning of May, I was wondering what kind of mustache I would grow.  It’s a big decision for a man to make, especially if you are ushering in a New Era in Mustachial Understanding.  In the past, I’ve had a few, as the whims struck me.  Come walk with me through memory lane, won’t you?  Thank you.

The first one was the natural result of having a goatee.   Naturally, when I realized that the goat was becoming the ultra-hip bandwagon it is now, I shaved off the chin part, leaving me with a Mike Piazza, also made popular by James Hetfield of Metallica.  My wife hated this one.  I thought I looked dangerous, but I have a feeling I looked a bit comical.  You can see an artist’s impression of this look at the head of my column.

Another one I tried was the result of the movie Tombstone - the Doc Holliday, which is a mustache plus a little jib under the lower lip, which is usually triangular.  I tried to make it a little more authentic by letting the ends of the mustache grow, so that I could curl them around with the aid of a little mustache wax (yes, they still make it).  Val Kilmer, in my opinion, looked absolutely bad-ass, and I looked not horrible.  This configuration is my wife’s favorite, and probably mine as well, but for this Mustache Summer blowout I decided to eschew any kind of hair below the mouth.

After I tired of the Holliday, I shaved it down to attempt the Nick Charles, which is pencil thin along the upper lip.  The inner ends go up to the nose, making right angles.  This is also a popular Hispanic choice, and it looks rad.  Unfortunately, if you are blond, as I am, this brand of ‘stache does not work at all.  I have a picture I’ll scan in later.  The lower portion of my upper lip produces the blondest whiskers, so I didn't look suave - just dirty.   This ‘stache didn’t last more than a couple of weeks.  The next time I try it I think I’ll use mascara or something to darken it;  I love that ‘40s look.

I am excited about this Verano de Bigote, as they say in the warmer climes.  Last year we formed a test group to help us cross-format focus this whole Mustache thing, and we found out this important fact:  Growing Mustaches in a group causes you to drink more beer than usual.  At least that’s what our research pointed to.  Let’s see what happens this year.

I would be interested in hearing what you have to think about all this.  Opinions on the Mustache Summer Concept?  Questions about your personal Cookie Duster?  Snide comments about the whole damn thing?  Send it to ZOOM! And when you get your mail back with a request to stop harassing them, send it to me:  XianRex@mustachesummer.com.  I will try to reply in this column if I can, but I will definitely reply to you emaillically.