Warning:

I have realized that there is no way in Hell that I can stick to the same topic for an entire column.  Rather than fight this textual attention deficit disorder, though, I have decided to embrace it and move on.  Readers may experience minor dizziness due to the rapid change of focus.

The Glam Mustache?

One of the drawbacks to having a mustache is that it robs you of your androgyny.   For those guys who tend to the gothic side of fashion, the presence of a mustache takes away all ambiguity about your sex, if not your sexuality.  It’s hard to be glam with a mustache – not a lot of makeup combinations look good with one.  Off the top of my head, I suppose a pencil-thin, sleek ‘stache would go with heavy black kohl about the eyes, especially if accompanied by a tall stovepipe hat.  Kind of a British undertaker sort of look.  See Monty Python for reference.  But that’s a masculine effect, and for Glam Boys, it’s just not enough.  Oh, well – deal with not being mistaken for a girl (at least from the front).   People don’t refer to you as "Ma’am" as often when the cookie duster is in plain view.  I’d ask comedian/transvestite Eddie Izzard to give me pointers if I knew his email address.  He seems to have the knack of being masculine with feminine makeup. Note: I have since seen his HBO special, and he has no mustache whatsoever.  I cannot guarantee that he would be a reliable source for mustache/makeup combos.  His makeup is exquisite, though.

The Indian Mustache

Here’s a tidbit I learned from a coworker of mine.  He is Indian (East), and explained to me why his countrymen like to grow thick, bushy mustaches.  Seems that back in Inja, the gents will cut the top off of a palm tree and let the cut end fill with sap, water, etc.  If this action is taken in the morning, by evening you have a nicely fermented batch of homemade hooch.  Said brew develops a thick, foamy head on it over the course of a hot South Asian day, so a big ol’ bushy mustache comes in quite handy for straining the arboreal booze.  Apparently Kipling missed that in his Just-So Stories.

 
Nervous Mustache Habit

OK – I’d appreciate some feedback from you ‘stache-bearing people.   Do you tend to bite the ends of your whiskers, as if you were biting your nails?   I have found myself unconsciously chewing the ends of my ‘duster at times, like when I’m watching a movie or TV.  It drives my wife crazy, and she returns the favor by smacking my hand when she catches me at it.  I wasn’t really worried until I read a letter about it in last week’s Ask Dr. Likket.   Now I want you to let me know if professional help is needed. XianRex@mustachesummer.com.

"I Just Grew My Mustache and I Can’t Do a Thing With It"

I am currently going through that "awkward" stage of mustache growth.  I have noticed that the stubble begins to grow on one’s face, it obviously sticks straight out, because hair follicles are perpendicular to the surface of the skin (Did I lose anybody with ‘perpendicular’?  Substitute ‘at right angles to’ (Did I lose anybody with ‘at right angles to? Substitute ‘pretty’.).).  Unfortunately, it takes a while for the whiskers to get the memo that they are supposed to lie down.  The in-between result looks like someone shoved a pushbroom in your face.   No matter how you slice it, it comes out goofy.  The true measure of a man lies in weathering the storm until the little fellers fall into line.

Tailing Off

I hope everyone’s crop is starting to shape up nicely.  Don’t despair, though, if you still look like the guy from high school who walked around with a CAT hat, a tin o’ Skoal in one back pocket, and a big flat comb in the other.  Things will get better.  Just take it one day at a time.

As for me, I’m taking it one week at a time, so until next week, Make Mine Mustache!

- Christian